Thin Ice Press: Mike Topp: Basho's Milk Dud

BASHO'S MILK DUD

Basho said to his disciple: "When you have a Milk Dud, I will give it to you. If you have no Milk Dud, I will take it away from you."

BONER

A handsome young Zen monk came to Bankei and complained: "Master, I have an uncontrollable boner. How can I master it?"

"You have something very strange," replied Bankei. "Let me see what you have."

"Just now I cannot show it to you," replied the other.

"When can you show it to me?" asked Bankei.

"It arises unexpectedly," replied the student.

"Then," concluded Bankei, "it must not be your own true nature. If it were, you could show it to me at any time. When you were born, you did not have it, and your parents did not give it to you. Think that over."

HOW TO WRITE A HAIKU

A well-known American poet was asked how to compose a haiku.

"The usual method is three lines," Ron explained. "The first line contains five syllables; the second line, seven syllables; the third line, five syllables. One of my poems illustrates this:

First: five syllables
Second: seven syllables
Third: five syllables

JUST GO FUCK YOURSELF

Gasan was sitting at the bedside of Tekisui three days before his teacher's passing. Tekisui had already chosen Gasan as his successor.

A temple had recently burned down and Gasan was rebuilding it. Tekisui asked him: "What are you going to do when the temple is rebuilt?"

"When you're better we want you to speak there," said Gasan.

"Suppose I die before then?" "Then we'll find somebody else," replied Gasan.

"Suppose you can't get anybody?" said Tekisui.

Gasan answered loudly: "Don't ask such stupid questions. Just go fuck yourself."

PULL MY FINGER

A monk told Joshu: "I have just entered the monastery. Please teach me."

Joshu said: "Pull my finger."

At that moment the monk was enlightened.

SCOOBY DOO

A monk asked Ummon: "What is Buddha?"

Ummon answered him: "Scooby Doo."

SHUZAN’S FAT STOMACH

Shuzan took off his T-shirt and said: "If you call this a fat stomach, you oppose its reality. If you do not call it a fat stomach, you ignore the fact. Now what do you want to call this?"

THIS MIND IS BUDDHA

Two monks were arguing about whether their train was moving. One said: "Our train is moving."

The other said: "The train on the tracks next to us is moving."

The sixth patriarch happened to be walking down the aisle. He asked them: "Would I look good in short shorts?"

TOZAN’S PRETZELS

A monk asked Tozan when he was eating some pretzels: "What is Buddha?"

Tozan said: "These pretzels are making me thirsty."

WE HAVE CHOCOLATE PUDDING

When Banzan was walking through the Union Square greenmarket he overheard a conversation between a vendor and his customer.

"Do you have chocolate mousse?" asked the customer.

"We have chocolate pudding," replied the vendor.

At these words Banzan became enlightened.